There was a big internet brouhaha over .net programmers this week, kicked off by this article at expensify. Since he insults .net programmers, I thought I'd make sure the rest of us were not left out.
C - C programmers are nerds, the real deal nerds. Pasty faced, pimply, girlfriend-less, pocket-protector wearing, open-source, stay at home and code nerds. They also create the operating system and compilers all other programmers rely on, and look down upon the rest of us with appropriate scorn.
C# - C# programmers are corporate drones. They are part of a vicious circle - corporates hire C# programmers because they can, and people become C# programmers to get hired by corporates. C# programmers are bored, have boring jobs, drive boring cars, churn out boring programs and pay boring rent.
Java - Java programmers are the couch potatoes of programming. They remain behind closed doors, lounging on fancy desk sofas, eating potato chips and creating bloated, monster programs that are larger than Zeppelins which have eaten too many potato chips. Big companies need them for their heavy lifting, so they provide them the big iron they desire and more potato chips.
C++ - C++ programmers are mad professors. They wear those ugly jackets with the leather elbow patches, speak in multidimensional math, and are the only ones who can look down on C programmers. They create the simulations that run on thousands of cores to calculate weather patterns and determine the weather outside, while the rest of us just look out the window.
Objective-C - Objective-C programmers are nerds with style. They dress well, focus on design, user experience and ease of use, but deep down, they are still C programmers. Anal, pixel aligning, minimalist, black turtleneck wearing C nerds, with a life. Objective-C programmers use the ugliest language to make beautiful things that just work.
Ruby - Ruby programmers are Japanese zen masters of convention and consistency. They wear the same boiler-suits, eat the same food, and work to the same routine. In doing so, they create supermassive applications with 3 lines of code, then spend the next 5 years struggling to keep it running.
Python - Python programmers are our sociopath, axe murderer and artist programmers. They have serially killed off blocks, line endings and readability, relying on negative space as if it were a real thing. They take data and systems apart and glue them back together in new and interesting ways.
PHP - PHP programmers are our streetwalker programmers. They hang out in public spaces, showing off their wares and changing often. They ride the freight railways of the net, delivering blogs and content to a starving clientele.
Javascript - Javascript programmers are the new robot masters. They take a static web page mannequin and make its arms and legs move and flail about, but the face remains creepily still. We can all hope that they have not yet created Skynet.
Delphi - Turbo Pascal programmers are the hippies amongst us. They still live in the 60's, drive old VW beetles and have long hair. They think Windows 3.1 is still an adequate operating system and C is this cute newfangled programming child. Get off my lawn!
Perl - Perl programmers are either idiot savants or just plain idiots. Their code is unreadable, they speak to trees and furniture in voices, and are too lazy to explain it to the rest of us, even to C programmers. Yet somehow their gibberish programs hold it all together.
Visual Basic - VB programmers are the wannabees. They wannabee programmers, they wannabee cool, they wannabee treated with respect, they wannabee C programmers. Their only way in to the cool crowd is to learn a real programming language, but that's too hard. They make extremely complicated excel worksheets even more complicated.
hiltmon = {'Objective-C', 'C#', 'Ruby', 'Perl', 'Javascript', 'C++', 'PHP', 'C'};
If your programming language is not one of the above, you feel left out and feel you have not been properly insulted, post a comment. But ask yourself this - why are you not a C/C#/Java/Objective-C/Ruby/Python/PHP/Javascript/Delphi/Perl or VB programmer and therefore already properly insulted?
